And I'm delighted to have her with us. I met Chelsea, when she invited me to come to a conference and speak with her. We spoke together at anatomy conference a few months back. And each each shared from our from our perspectives. And I was incredibly impressed with Chelsea's energy and enthusiasm about her experience specifically about DBT in that in that talk, so I want to mention that she's really been devoting herself to these causes.
And just to give you an example of how busy she is, she is a she's on the board of directors for NAMI, Manchester, Manchester, Connecticut. She's a peer recovery group support facilitator for NAMI, she is an our own voice presenter and an end in ending the silence presenter for middle school and high school students just spoke to a to an audience of 300 students yesterday. She is a parents and teachers as allies presenter, and she's also currently attending Manchester Community College to become a drug and alcohol recovery counselor.
So thank you for joining us. Please welcome Chelsea. Chelsea, come on out.
Thanks for having me. And as Seth mentioned, I do a lot of presentations, and I'm used to doing them with a co presenter, so I get a little anxious when I do it by myself. So yeah, again, yesterday, I spoke to a class of 300. They recently had two suicides at their house or at their school, so I came in and talked with them. My symptoms of borderline personality disorder started around age 12.
As a child, I always had a fear of abandonment, which was rooted from the neglect of my parents. Their busy schedule caused them to not be available as much as I wish they were. It was an unstable environment growing up, my parents would attend school and sporting events, but they weren't there emotionally.
Specifically, my dad who travelled often as a salesman, my mom struggled with mental illness as well, and was able to show love and support the best she could. But that didn't quite make up for her not being there physically present. She worked two jobs and what for one, she worked second shift and we leave for work. As I was getting off the school bus, I would come home around 11pm I can strongly remember hearing her come home and I would climb into bed just to be there here.
In my childhood through adolescence, and even now I suffered with intense anxiety and had quick mood shifts, I would go from feeling happy to sad within a couple of hours, I had a deep feeling of emptiness feeling like I was hollow and unable to ever get out of my own head. I also had a lack of sense of self and had impulsive behaviors.
I first went to therapy at age 16 after being hospitalized for the first time due to chronic cutting. Cutting was my first real addiction, an unhealthy coping mechanism. I don't recall how it turned to it. But it helped me with intense emotions and made me feel better. Around this time, I started to cling people that I would push them away.
I remember all too well of having my first out of body experience. I almost felt like I was watching myself in a movie. That's a lot of what disassociation, disassociation is about. I was in the car with my family on Long Island. And like I said, I felt like I was watching myself in a movie. And that led to my first panic attack. And one of my family members said it's just growing up your partner, it's just part of growing up grew at that age. Then it was around this time when I also started becoming suicidal. I had this unexplainable feeling that this was not just part of growing up, but that there was something really wrong with me.
I had my first suicide attempt at age 16. And when I was released from the hospital, I remember how heartbroken my mom was. She cried and hugged me and said Chelsea you were born prematurely with a 5% chance of living. you're meant to be alive. I don't understand why you're doing this to yourself. I then started to use drugs and alcohol on a regular basis to cope with the unexpected death of my vomit at age 18. She died of an accidental drug overdose. My use of cocaine went from experimental to addiction within a couple of months. Cocaine quickly went from a way to deal with a depression of my mom's death to absolute chaos I was using daily for about Eight months and cannot stop. Cocaine quickly turned on me. I began to become paranoid by using going even drive to New York and back just to come down from the drug. It's a time that I never want to go back to again.
My use of drugs, particularly the use between 18 and 23 was more than just a bad coping mechanism. I used deadly combinations of drugs and alcohol with the hope and intention of overdosing. So I'm also getting over a cold. At the time, I thought it would have had sounded better to my family if they knew that I had died by a so called accidental overdose rather than by suicide.
My friends feared for my life during high school, my high school years throughout my early 20s, mainly under the influence particularly of cocaine and alcohol. I would make suicide gestures by asking them things such as would you miss me if I was gone? If I were going for a walk and we were crossing a bridge, I would sarcastically ask if I jumped if it would do the job. While coming down from cocaine, I would leave sticky notes on my forehead that would read if you find me dead I'm I'm sorry. I really think I was on a mission to die accidentally by suicide by overdosing.
My friends called 911 numerous times out of fear for not only myself, but for the people around me. I can't count the number of times I've been admitted to the ER against my wall. And between the age of 16 and 23, I started to go through what I used to call phases. You know, in high school, you go through a certain phase and I thought I was just a normal teenager. But I didn't have a sense of self I first identified as a tomboy.
I then idolized my sister and very feminine that I switched to what they would call the emo phase. I don't know if anyone knows what emo is, either. Okay, because usually when I say that everyone just gives me a blank stare. But yeah, so I had like jet black hair piercings, the whole nine yards. I then went for the artists look, then a hippie phase. I even had a bumper sticker that read, reduce, reuse, recycle.
Meanwhile, I was eating McDonald's and throwing like, my trash bags out of the car as I was driving was like I care about the earth, but I've literally gone time. So I desperately wanted to discover myself. I went to great extremes because of all these different characters that I created. One question that I get when I speak to is, how many personalities do I have?
I tried to explain to them that I've always been Chelsea, I just didn't really know who I was. I returned to therapy at 23. Under the suggestion and concern from a friend that it may be beneficial to give it another chance. Shortly after returning to therapy, I began cutting again and after being sober for an extended period of time I relapsed and started using alcohol and drugs daily after living my dad was ill with cancer. After jumping back and forth from an IEP and individual therapy, my therapist at that time referred me to a DBT group better agency. When I first attended the group, I was overwhelmed with fear. The source of my fear was joining a new group and not knowing what I was getting myself into. I didn't understand anything the clinician was talking about. But I felt calm about this new form of therapy.
My therapist now nearly four years was the clinician he ran that DBT group. After a few months, I was sent back to the IRB due to repeated suicide ideations, self harm and substance abuse. After leaving the IO p I continued to attend the weekly skills group and started to understand the skills and modules a little bit better. It was around this time that I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.
I had been previously misdiagnosed with bipolar. I sat down with my therapist who I worked with off and on since I was 19. And we read through the nine symptoms. And I nodded my head and said, Yes, I've experienced all those difficulties. I was relieved at the diagnosis and felt that the way I had been behaving and thinking finally made sense. Despite still not having a sense of self, I felt hopeful.
Finally, understanding that there was a medical reason as to why I felt the way I had been feeling my entire life. There was some shame that followed, but after practicing DBT, I've been able to radically accept it.
During one of my last times attending AARP, the clinician I was working with at the time suggested that I try going to the DBT program at the AOL, there was just the Institute of living in Hartford. She said the repetition of the same program clearly wasn't working and that DBT gets down into the nuts and bolts. And then I will find a way to solve a way to stop self harming, using and the risk of suicide will be alleviated. If I take advantage of the program.
Instantly the fear of abandonment came up as I was in that program and surrounded by the same clinicians For such an extended period of time, shortly after my intake for the DBT program at the IOM L, I was able to recognize that my father's health was getting progressively worse. He went into home hospice care and passed away peacefully peacefully with families surrounding him.
I still regret not being president during this time and still tend to ruminate about the way I treated him during his 10 month battle. I often drove him to appointments under the influence of substances. I am very grateful for the clinician who forced me basically to tell my dad I loved him before he passed and passed away and he said it back. That was the first time we ever told each other We loved each other.
I consider this true started my recovery taking place at the DBT program at the IO L. It was different than any other outpatient program I had attended. As I've already shared, I had a lot of experience in outpatient programs. What gave me hope is the clinicians practice DBT themselves. It wasn't the type of atmosphere where you felt like a patient. The clinicians talked about what skills they used in their daily lives.
For example, one of the clinicians shared how she's going to be skillful by practicing mindfulness while bringing a family member to a doctor's appointment. The clinician who I work with, when I go back to the program, for what I like to call a tune up, shares that shares about how what the fellow clinicians asked her what skill she's using, if she seems to be struggling, she shared with me once that when she's feeling anxious at work, she goes outside and walks around the campus of Iowa to lower anxiety. I could use the entire 15 minutes I have and share examples about how great it was to be in a program where the clinicians use the same skills they teach.
I can honestly say say that if I didn't go I would not be standing here sharing my story today. There is no doubt in my mind that I would be dead. I truly owe my life to that clinicians at the DBT program at the IO L and to the clinicians at the IO P and Nash og, who referred me to DBT they have saved my life and two of them are actually in the audience. So try not to get all emotional. They're awesome. I didn't even know they're going to be here too.
Today, I'm no longer ashamed of having borderline personality disorder. I try to call it emotional dysregulation disorder because I think that's what it should be called. I stole that from Marsha Linehan.
It's still a challenge to cope with symptoms I experienced but I now have skills that I use to help manage them. I'm now able to accept my emotions and even love them, which is something I would never like think I would have ever said before ever. I don't try to push them away because I've learned that they come back even stronger when you push them away.
I can still be hard on myself at times. But I remind myself that this is a process instead of self harming, I'm able to self soothe.
When I have an urge to act on a certain behavior. I urge surf, which is riding the urge, like you would surf a wave. You watch the weight, you watch the urge come and go and eventually, urge passes.
DBT skills truly work if you practice them, I no longer feel ashamed to ask for help if I need it.
Since 2016, I have an app called DBT 911 that I turned to basically every day. I do my best to make DBT a way of life just like the DBT clinicians that I admire so greatly.
The one thing I still struggle with is radical acceptance, which is letting go of fighting reality. acceptance is the way out of pain. I can radically accept the little things traffic, burning my dinner, etc. But I still struggle with radically accepting the death of my parents with continued practice and willingness to accept with my art that they're gone.
I've been told by a former skills trainer I Oh well, who lost her parents at a young age as well that it will get easier with time. And it does take practice. And I truly believe that.
Since the topic of suicide, I have lost a few friends to suicide. I have a few friends who are survivors of suicide as well.
And I'm not going to sugarcoat it, I still get suicide ideations. I don't think they will ever go away completely.
When they're moderate, I'm able to use DBT skills and turn my mind by calling someone or reaching out for help in any way possible. If the ideations do become severe, I checked myself into the ER willingly. Sometimes I just stay there for about 24 hours. My therapist works at ch ER and they have a mobile crisis team. So if I call the assessment center and and they become concerned, they actually come to my house, which is really comforting. Instead of just talking with someone over the phone, I've had two of them come to my house and I made them coffee and we sat down and talked it out until the ideations passed. I've just grateful exists.
So I'm not only grateful for the clinicians at the DBT program, AOL, but for my therapists that I've been working with for nearly four years, she disclosed to me I mean, this might be kind of controversial, but she disclosed to me that in her experience, there's a few clinicians out there that fear with working with people living with BPD due to the high risk of suicide.
I feel like that sounds like a judgment, but I do agree with her and it saddens me, but I am grateful that my therapist understands me on the deepest level possible. I think she understands me more than I understand myself. She's a DBT. therapist, and it's helped me build a life worth living. She's likely had the biggest role in my recovery, and I feel lucky and honored to be able to work with her.
Marsha Linehan often talks about her goal for people who come into treatment is to build a life worth living. To quote her my main goal for people who come into DBT treatment is that they get out of hell. And my second goal is that they stay out of hell. This is one of the main reasons we teach skills, because skills are aimed at helping individuals build lives, that they themselves will experiences worth living.
The idea is that if you can build a life that you experience is worth living. You'll keep living and you'll stay out of hell. I can now finally say that I am out of my own hell and intent intend to stay out of hell, thanks to DBT. My therapist and the clinicians that I've worked with over the past two and a half, maybe three years, specifically the ones from the DBT program at AOL.
Building a life worth living is something that I practice every day. I may start calling it building a day worth living.
