Hi, folks. So today I'm going to go over the skill of turning the mind.
If you haven't listened to the radical acceptance video by Paul yet, you should listen to that first. Otherwise, this isn't going to make a whole ton of sense.
The idea behind this specific skill is that acceptance is not a one stop shop. Okay? So what I mean by this is that many times people use the language, I just need to accept x, as though acceptance is this thing that they do one time, and then Wallah, we're done. In fact, it's a very, very rare for acceptance to only require one specific choice to accept.
And the bigger and more painful an event is, the more that you are going to have to repeatedly go back to acceptance. Okay. So the idea behind the turning the mind skill, is the idea that acceptance always seems to require a choice, okay. And this skill is all about noticing, when you have moved out of acceptance and are now fighting with your reality, whatever that might be.
Maybe it's the death of a loved one. Or maybe it's that you didn't get a job, or that you really wanted to, or accepted into a program that you were hoping to get accepted to.
Maybe it's something as little as you really wanted this type of takeout food tonight, and other members of your household that were not in agreement, and you got out voted, right. So acceptance has a continuum from little events that probably don't take too much effort for you to accept, to really big, monumental, painful, challenging events that are going to require a lot of work and a lot of use of this particular skill.
One of the things that I want you to think about and that will you will discuss in group this week, is essentially what makes it difficult to turn the mind towards acceptance of reality as it really is.
For me personally, this is often willfulness. So the idea that I don't like what's happening, and I don't want it to be that way. And so I'm literally going to beat my fists up against the wall, and rail against what's happening, even though it's not remotely helpful to do so in the moment. Okay, I want you to think about what makes it hard to accept something for you. There might be particular thoughts or emotions, there might be particular judgments that you have related to the idea of acceptance.
So let's walk through how to actually implement this skill of turning the mind. So the first step is to actually notice that you aren't accepting anymore. So I'm wondering, hopefully, you can see my mouth moving.
But if you are here at this metaphorical fork in the road, which I'm noticing has a very women womanly look to it, but we'll leave that alone. So if you are here, at this metaphorical fork in the road, you now have have to notice that you are actually at a place where you could go in two different directions, right, you can either continue to reject, or you can start to accept.
And so some things that might stand out for you related to signs that you're not accepting. There's a lot of anger, bitterness, annoyance, maybe you're noticing thoughts about why me This isn't fair. Or maybe you notice that you're trying to escape a situation in some way you're trying to block something out or hide from it.
Lastly, started just checking in about whether or not you're trying to cover up or suppress how you're feeling about a given thing. Chances are, if you're doing that you're in a state of rejection as opposed to acceptance. So that's step one, just noticing that this thing is happening, that you're not accepting anymore.
Step two, is for you to make an inner commitment. So for some of you, it might actually be helpful to literally say this out loud, to accept reality as it is.
In other words, you decide for yourself, okay, I'm going to stop railing against this. I'm going Stop hiding the way that I'm feeling, I'm going to stop avoiding whatever that is, and try and accept in this situation. Please note that you trying to accept is not in and of itself acceptance, you're just making a choice to go along this path. Paul may or may not have covered in the radical acceptance piece, some steps that you can take to help move you towards acceptance, okay?
This is just about noticing and making a choice to move in that direction. So in and of itself, there's a little bit of mindfulness here.
Now, step number three, is do it again, over and over.
So first, some bigger things, you may have to go through this first two steps of observing that you're not accepting, and making a choice to go back towards acceptance, dozens of times in a given day.
I often use the example of my husband, he lost his mom when he was a young boy. And he has over the years accepted her death. Of course, initially, this was very, very difficult. And he went back to it had to go back to this idea of acceptance over and over and over again.
And then now, decades later, there are often these long periods where he actually is at a place of peace and understanding and recognition that she's gone, but not forgotten all of those types of things. But then something will happen. We get married, we have our first child, he really wants advice about something that's important. And man, he finds himself right back at that fork in the road, telling himself This isn't fair and feeling angry, all of which is completely understandable and justify, and isn't particularly effective, because there is nothing that he can do to change this situation.
Turning the mind is noticing that you've moved out of acceptance, and making a choice to come back to it as many times as it takes.
The fourth step here is actually developing a plan for catching yourself when you drift out of acceptance. So try and think through the types of things that you usually do when you are not accepting.
Even before that noticing if there are specific situations or things that you are really struggling with acceptance around. A common one is actually just accepting that you are, who you are, that you have the imperfections that you have. And that some element of those struggles are always going to be with you.
So noticing that you're not accepting. I'm trying to identify some cues, maybe thoughts, emotions, urges that come up when you are not accepting you and deciding maybe to check in with yourself about these things on a regular basis, maybe each night before bed, to review whether or not you need to turn your mind to towards acceptance or make the choice to start accepting.
Okay. I think that about covers it. But I want you guys prior to our group to really think through some situations that you struggle with acceptance with so that you we can talk about this in a little bit more detail. Thanks, I