Hello, my name is Carl. I'm 25 years old, and I suffer from BPD.
I was diagnosed in August 2016. And then I gone through dialectical behavior therapy. And it lasted for about three months, where each week I would have one individual and one group therapy.
But according to my doctors, I was officially diagnosed as a teenager, but I've shown symptoms as a child. So being as 25 year old, that's a long time of suffering and living with BPD. S
. The major symptoms, the first one would be emotional instability. So the best way I like to explain emotional instability is imagine or basic emotions, there's happiness, anger, and sadness.
I've never been happy. I've always been ecstatic. I've never been sad. I've always been depressed. And I've never been angry. I've always been furious. So imagine these intense emotions, and imagine them happening within five minutes. And also the fact that these emotions can be triggered by anything I can, the wind blows the wrong way, I can drop my pencil, I can, they can have a scuff mark on my glasses. I can be angry, furious, and just feel all these emotions very intensely.
So one of the main things that I've suffered from was the was anger. I was always angry, I was angry at everyone, anything, for no reason at all.
Something that we border border liners have is this thing called borderline rage. But borderline rage is Do you know the the expression the lights are on, but no one's home. That's really what borderline rage really is. It's just a rage that just consumes me and I have no control and no consciousness of what really is happening. I would do things and say things out of pure rage. And two seconds later, I'd be perfectly normal as if nothing happened, I'd be smiling, I'd be hugging you.
It's just really hard to control my emotions. It's just something that had to really control over my life and my body.
Another thing I struggled with was a fear of abandonment. And this one is another major one for border liners. So what fear of abandonment is, is that anything I anything that happens to me or with anyone I can perceive as abandonment. You go to the bathroom, I feel abandoned. You can text you can text while I'm with you. I feel abandoned. You don't look at me in the eyes. I feel abandoned, no matter what rationale or logic I put into it, for me was just always abandonment. And I was always lonely at this point.
I had no one because I was afraid of people just leaving me so I would do things. To keep people I would say things I wouldn't do anything to keep people because at the end of the day who wants to be with our friends. I know I didn't.
Another thing I struggled with was also a sense of identity. I had trouble fitting in and being someone I had trouble making friends and I had trouble keeping friends. It wasn't because I didn't know how to socialize, I could socialize, I can be very confident I had very high self esteem. The problem was I couldn't identify with anything or anyone.
I was essentially a chameleon, I would shift my identity based on what people liked what people hated. Even music I would shift depending on what people liked, or what people thought was cool, just so I would fit in. It got so bad that I had the fact that I had no perception of who I was.
One time I developed anorexia and bulimia so I can be thin and fit in with more people. But obviously that backfired because that's not something that's healthy.
So pretty much these are those three things, the fear of abandonment, emotional instability, and the instability of my identity. Those are the three major symptoms that I've suffered for a very long time.
And it was very hard to live like that honestly. Especially being you know In a society that sort of disregards or ignores the whole issue of mental health, and especially being a male, with a mental illness that revolves around being emotional, I was called weak. I was called the girl. I was called names that I just don't want to say anymore. I've been treated. The sort of subhuman. This sort of subspecies, inadequate to be with friends with people with anyone.
In August of 2016, I decided to just end my life, I decided to I started contemplating suicide. I told myself that, today's the day, you know, I gave up on everything, I lost hope. I pretty much had no friends, I had no money, my grades were really bad. So I prepared everything. And on that night, I just decided to sleep on it, just out of pure instinct that maybe I should just sleep on it. So I slept. And when I woke up, I realized that I was tired. I was tired of having my mental illness control me, I was tired of being the quote unquote, crazy person.
So I decided to go to a hospital, get a diagnosis. And that's where he told me, I had borderline personality disorder, and it was treatable. hearing those words, it was treatable. It made me it was such a confusing time, because I was very happy, relieved. But I was angry. At the same time, I was happy because there's a name for something that was happening to me. I was, I was sad, because I have something. And I was angry, because in my head, everyone was right. I am a problem. I am crazy.
So I decided to continue on this path, they recommend did me a doctor in Allen Memorial. And they told me to go see a specialist. I saw him and he admitted me to the dialectical behavior therapy program that he had.
Going into it, I was very scared, because I already had the idea that therapy was supposed to bring you out of my comfort, bring you out of the comfort zone. So I went in there with that mentality in mind. And I have to be honest, it was very difficult for having such a comp, even though it was bad, I had a system of living, that was very comfortable with, you know, being angry being this being that being sad, just pretty much just being mentally ill. And this whole notion of that I can do other things, that I can be something else, that I can think of other things, was such a different thing to to understand, it didn't make sense to me.
It didn't make sense that I didn't have to be angry at anything. It didn't make sense that I didn't need to be sad about simple things. For me, it was just such normal, you're so normal. And I have to say it was worth it.
After the therapies. After almost two decades of suffering, I feel alive. I feel like I'm finally living my life, that I can do things that quote unquote, normal people can do. I am finally feeling things that I've never felt before. I'm feeling I can actually feel happy.
And I can actually be sad without the depression coming. I can actually be angry at things or people without having to throw things or cuss at them or even fight them. It's it's just very strange, feeling to be born again, almost.
So, pretty much after therapy. I'm just very happy that I've gone through it. I'm happy. I took the effort to actually continue and not stop. And I'm very glad I had this sort of epiphany to live my life. Because of therapy, my grades are better. I have more friends. I'm very optimistic in life. I'm more satisfied with life. And I managed to save some money. And yeah, life has been very good.
As much as I would like to say that I'm 100% better. The reality is I'm still struggling with some problems. I still have Things that I struggle with. And but that's okay. Because at the end of it, I'm just human.
Because therapy wasn't supposed to be the cure or the solution to my mental illness, it was just supposed to be a support a sort of crutch, to guide me towards wellness. And each day, I'm working hard on it, and each day, I'm getting good results. And each day I'm living my life. something I'd like to share with caregivers is to always be present. For especially for US borderliners. We can get mad, we can fight you, we can yell at you.
We might even fight you, but the end of the day. We're just human. And we're just people lost. We don't even understand what's happening with us.
Being present is the best thing you can do for us, because at least then we know that someone's there for us that we are loved, that we are cared for.
So that's my story. Hopefully it's giving you a better understanding of what us borderline personality disorder individuals go through on pretty much a daily basis. Thank you for listening.
