Originally, it wasn't borderline personality disorder, that was what kind of alerted people initially it was the symptoms.
From a very young age, I showed symptoms of what people thought were depression, going back to as young as 12 years old, which is quite quite young for determining a mental disorder because your brains not really developed at it. And it wasn't until I was put through multiple programs, therapists, counselors, antipsychotics, antidepressants, I had a few more diagnosis was thrown at me. And it wasn't until I ended up in an actual full group with other people. And it was actually a group for people with depression. And it was the nurses and the doctors that kind of at that point identified, your, you're different than kind of everybody else here you're doing this. And everyone else is kind of here.
So it was at that point that the people kind of woke up and said, Oh, you know, we've said for, you know, five years, this girl has depression, and like, maybe maybe there's something more there. So it was actually when I was kind of on my highs are being positive that the realization of Oh, it's not just this downfall of depression, she's kind of having these waves in between where they realized there was something more at play there.
My relationships have definitely been affected by my BPD symptoms, definitely pre diagnosis, as well as just you know, pre where I not now because I think everyday, you know, I think everyday, I'm better than I was the last day. So even though I still had my diagnosis five years ago, I didn't necessarily have all those tools yet to work with it. And it negatively affects those relationships. But I think like anybody, it's all about being with the right person, and having the knowledge so now I'm in a romantic relationship with a gentleman and it's very, very healthy. But part of that is he's very aware of borderline personality disorder. He understands that sometimes I have a bad day and I you know, I slip mentally and I'll get will say you know, jealous no reason whatsoever out of the blue with a lot of people understandably so I'm, you know, accusing you of something that there's you haven't done anything to be accused for that. But he can take a step back and understand he separates me from the disorder. And he doesn't take it personally. He says, okay, like, you know, something's going on with you now versus before, a lot of the time I found people, you know, when I didn't sit down and explain my process, and why I do these things, they obviously take it personal because I'm accusing you of something.
So I think part of it is being really aware and open with the people that you're close to and explaining, you know, like, when I do these things, it's not I hope you don't take it personal. I'm having a bad day, or I had a slip moment. And I think that is what leads to long term healthy relationships is being able to for both parties to take a step back and say like, okay, you did nothing to deserve me saying, you know, I think you're cheating on me. And you can say, take a step back and say, well, I've done nothing to so maybe there's something else at play instead of just getting defensive. So communication and just knowledge about disorder makes a world world of difference in terms of relationships. Yeah. Yeah, once I got my VVT diagnosis, explained a lot of breakdowns in relationships, or tears or burn bridges that I had in the past. And it helped me also take ownership of things that that I had done, but specifically with friendships, I had, you know, acknowledging that I had extreme fear of abandonment. And so as soon as I felt any kind of rejection, even in the smallest slight, like, you know, let's go for coffee and someone's too busy in my head back then, that was, they don't like me, they hate me, they're actually hanging out with this other girl because they like her more and it I made it so much bigger than it was.
And so then my reaction to them doing is something as simple as canceling a coffee date, I would end up destroying that friendship because I would take it to the next level and react emotionally and negatively and say, you know, oh, well, you know, you're skipping out on me and you're not there for me and I would put so much negativity on them that you know, a lot of people don't want it's like, you don't I just I just cancelled a coffee date. Like I don't understand why, you know, you're reacting like I just broke up with you kind of thing but in my head, that's what had happened. And so I would push them away because I became so you know, high maintenance as a friend.
That I ended up doing exactly what I was scared of in terms of those so scared of everyone leaving me that I would push them to leave me. And looking back, I realized I did that a lot as well as I was I attempted to be. And this also comes from the abandonment issues. I will be very controlling, going back. And you know, I know this was extremely unhealthy. And I'm so thankful that I don't do things like this anymore. But you know, threatening like, all well, if you do, I'm going to hurt myself, I'm going to do this. And that's not healthy for any relationship or either side. And that can be actually the first sign of an abusive relationship, right? If someone's threatening by controlling so understanding that that's not the way to have relationships with people anymore. And I definitely lost people over those actions. And I don't blame them because I had I've been in their shoes at that time. And someone did that, to me, I would have been like, no, this is this is not a healthy friendship, this is not a healthy relationship.
So looking back and having to forgive myself, but from those experiences, learning now to have relationships. Dealing with being misunderstood back then was extremely difficult. Also, just because I misunderstood myself, it's very hard to understand that everyone doesn't think like you, none of us are in each other's brains. So I kind of you know, go back to a schooling situation, I never understood why I felt like I was on a different playing field than everybody else. I never understood why I would burst into tears over the slightest thing and other people's misunderstanding of me what also they don't understand, right? They're like, Well, nothing happened, why are you crying, you're acting crazy, you know, kind of thing. And they, again, they walk away. And that breaks down relationships, because you're reacting in this manner that you like, you don't understand what's happening, and no one else understands what's happening to you. And when other people can't understand what you're going through it, you put a lot of blame on yourself as well. Because other people kind of said, Well, why can't you just you know, pull up your bootstraps and get better. I put that blame on myself. And I said, Well, yeah, I'm not you know, I'm obviously not normal. So like, this is all on me, I'm, I'm weaker than everyone else, I'm not doing something right, I must be doing something wrong. And so other people's perceptions and misperceptions of me kind of led to me going deeper into this, you know, hole of depression, because I put so much guilt and blame on myself for the things that I was doing. And the people didn't under understand me kind I wanted to hide, I wanted to hide myself. Because if while I'm out in the open, and I'm being social, and then I do things that people think are crazy, or cuckoo is like, well, I'll just hide in my closet, because then I can't, you know, people won't see things that I do and judge me for them. And then post diagnosis being perceived, just because I now have a better understanding of, you know, why do things as well as coping skills. So I kind of stopped myself, before I get to that point of people being like, oh, what's going on with her. But me having the knowledge, I'm also, I'm very open about my disorder. And I'm, I'll be the first one to explain to someone, well, this is kind of my process. And you know, again, like I don't, I'm not saying this is gonna happen, or whatever. But like, if you're aware of why I do the things that I do, then we can kind of build on that. And a lot of people once I sit down and really explain the step by step, they're quite open to it versus just seeing me react even at work I have you know, how to get sit down with my manager. And I know, some people are scared to do things like that, because there's that stigma around mental health. So it's like, well, you don't want to tell your manager you don't want to talk. But I feel like I'm comfortable with him. I think he's a great guy. So I felt comfortable enough to explain and now it's like, you know, I can look at him and be like, I'm having a moment, I need to go into the bathroom and breathe. Otherwise, it's going to be nice to get go, go breathe, you know, and I can kind of then call myself before it escalates. So everyone understanding it makes a world of difference. And it's about explaining it to people when you're calm, versus explaining it to people when you're in a moment. Because if I'm already you know, borderlining or spinning out of control, then I'm emotional and I'm crying. I'm like, people aren't going to be perspective or receptive to that versus like, if you're in a calm moment, and I'm a rational person, they can sit down and say, Okay, this is this is what's going on with me. People really take it a lot differently. And so I try to tell them what I'm Not in a moment. So that is taken seriously and not just like, Oh, she's having a day she's on her period or like, you know, whatever kind of thing you need to really have a good conversation. I would say the misconception about vt that bothers me the most is probably like, if you go on your computer right now, and Google, dealing with a borderline person, I found when during my searches, and this is why a lot of people are scared to admit that they have it, the first thing that all these articles pop up is impossible to have relationships with impossible, you know, like, damage, and they get clingy, and this and that. And I'm like, man, if I ever want to have a boyfriend, and I tell him that I have borderline personality disorder, which again, to have a healthy relationship, you have to discuss your, your disorder with them. It's like, Oh, he's gonna break out with me just because he's gonna Google it and be like, this is impossible. How can I? It makes people want to give up on you before they've even started. And that's the, you know, the unfortunate, right? And it's like, yeah, a lot of those. Again, things are true. But that's someone who hasn't learned about their disorder hasn't learned coping skills hasn't gone through programming. And I think you could say that about, you know, anyone who hasn't dealt with any illness like, No, they're not going to manage it, because they're not managing it properly. But someone with borderline personality disorder, who manages your disorder, absolutely. 100% can have a healthy, fulfilled relationship. But there's really this concept out there that it's impossible. So don't even try because they're, you know, they're not even worth the effort. And that's the one that makes me mad because it scares people from you. It really does. Yeah.
The most successful thing about my recovery, and it's kind of, I would say the route to the other successes is, I'm happy. I'm happy every day, which 10 years ago, I thought it was perfectly normal that I was crying in a corner, I cried every day. And I thought that was normal. I woke up upset every day. And the fact that now today, I can wake up and say I'm just happy, I'm happy to be alive, I'm happy to go to work, I'm happy to meet people talk to people. So through that, because I'm just happier in life, obviously, that you know, trickles down to all of the other successes, why I can be successful in relationships, why I can be successful at work, but it's the route just I am happier.
With with myself, I think that's that's the biggest thing is just my general mood. I I'm excited about life and the future and it doesn't feel like a battle anymore. I wake up and I'm excited to go, you know, learn how to play violin or do this or do that. Whereas before I would wake up and it was just like, I can't not another day. I can't do it another day. So it's waking up and actually being excited to be alive. I think that's the biggest success ever. a bad day. For me back then. Unfortunately, it was all too common. For me a bad day, it was almost every day, back then. And it was like waking up with a weight on my brain. I would wake up and the first thought that I would have would be I just want to be asleep again.
I don't want to wake up be you know, had to go to school had to be a person. So I dragged myself out of bed I normally would wear my pajamas to school, because they just didn't care didn't put in the effort. hair back in a bun ponytail, no makeup, I just had absolutely no. Cause to be proud of myself. I'm not very much reflected in you know, I barely shower. I just did not care enough because I didn't think other people cared enough to drive myself to school. I'd sit through class. Most of the time, I just wouldn't pay attention because I get so deep into my own thoughts and my own stuff. And I never thought that I'd be successful in school anyways, so why try, I drag myself home and it's sleep. And I try to fall asleep for as long as possible. And if I woke up, I try to fall back asleep because I just wanted to be sleep all the time. And generally if I was at home and I wasn't sleeping, I was locked in my room crying. Most of the time I didn't know what even about. It was just became routine. I just go home and I'd cry.
And then I'd normally stay up way too late drinking Coca Cola and zoning out to whatever TV was on that I could try and turn my brain off of. I passed out around 3am and then I do it all over again.
So it was really just a lack of I just didn't care. I Just couldn't have the effort or means to really care have any kind of pride in myself and crying was just part of my day. And it took a long time. And it's funny because you think that someone would realize that's not normal? And I never did. I just thought that Well, yeah, I just cry every day. It's just part that's just part of my life. So it was almost like I had just accepted that that was my fate.
Socially, when I was a lot younger, I lived in a place where I was a vast minority via religion. So how I was kind of introduced into school was that was the first question grade one I was asked, and that I was a different religion than everybody else. So it wasn't until grade eight, when we moved back to Canada.
For me, it was very normal to be different. And I remember when we moved back to Canada, first recess, I sat down and read my book behind something, because I'd always run off by myself and just kind of sit in my corner. And I remember two girls came up and asked me to play tag. And I'll never forget the moment I pointed to myself, and I said, Well, no, you don't want to play with me. Because it it just been so ingrained in my head all through elementary school that no, you're just different kids don't invite you over, people don't want to play with you. So I think it started with that. And because I didn't have a social foundation of this is how you have friends.
And this is kind of how you do this. If I, you know, spiraled downwards, kind of from that moment, I wasn't given the tools to know how to have relationships or friends, and then being thrown into a teenage situation where you're just kind of expected to already know those things and how to hang out and how to be with people.
And I think that's where I really realized that I was disconnected from everyone else. And so it was kind of the beginning of high school, that I started to really spiral down.
And that also coincided with my parents breakdown of their marriage and separation of families. So it all kind of came to pass around the age of 12, or 13, which, in itself is not an easy time to go through. So I think it was a slow bill, but it was kind of all those big events happening at such a crucial time at once for me that then I really started to crash and that's when I really became self destructive was I would say great. Nine was when like, I became very, very self destructive. I started harming myself physically, it all started with me, like bashing my head into a wall, I just would get so mad and frustrated. And I didn't understand why I was crying. So I would literally just hit myself.
And so that escalated into Oh, like, you know, I I realized that was the thing that's could stop me from emotionally crying, which was very backwards, but it was like, well, I got to go up and show face to dinner. And I can't stop the tears. So if I punched myself in the face, the tears will stop. And so that developed into cutting.
And as well as I started heavily using alcohol. I just wanted my brain off. You know, I just wanted to stop thinking so I self harmed pretty much every day for about four or five years as well as I abused alcohol heavily and not again was just I just didn't want to think anymore. Quite a few people are very surprised when I tell them that I have borderline personality disorder.
First and foremost is a lot of people don't know what it is. And they heard personality disorder and they're like, but but you seem so nice. And you have a job and like you function like a person how are you know your personality seems fine. How do you have a personality disorder? So part of its education, about letting people know exactly what borderline personality is?
Because it sounds like a really scary thing. And they kind of expect to see someone with that on like, you know, an episode of Criminal Minds or something not you know, your happy little barista serving coffee. As well as there's that the the secondary reaction I get is, you're so happy. You're just so happy. See, yeah, you don't see me 100% of the time.
And I am happy. You're not faking it. But I have my moments where I lose it. And I don't want to say I allow myself to lose it. But I understand that, you know, I'm knocking No one's going to be happy all the time, regardless of mental illness. I need to say Well, yeah, there's a lot of borderline people who are happy and lead full lives.
And I've you know, I've been through programming and I've gone through things and I understand my brain. And had you met me 10 years ago, you would have been like, Oh yeah, that makes sense. Um, so it's, you know, people are surprised. But that's just because I've learned how to cope. And I know life skills now that I didn't before. So it's all there. And I know it's all still there.
But again, instead of letting myself spin out of control and go by that bottle of tequila and just, you know, turn my brain off, I can stop and say, like, okay, like mindfulness, like, let's stop, let's have a moment, let's meditate on this. And because of that, you know, it's not this big, scary thing that people think that it is, but it is because I've, I've gotten help. And I've gone through programs to learn how to deal with it.
So a lot of things, just like everybody, I am an artist, I'm a barista. I'm a student, I'm a daughter, I'm a sister. There are so many things that I am beyond the label. And I feel like I've done so many things in my life that a lot of people would say, Well, if if you have a mental illness, you can't you can't be that or you can't do that. And I don't associate, you know, what I do with the Arts and Social Media and networking can be scary sometimes, because I get anxiety, you know, through the borderline of those social situations. But don't let that control me.
So I let the artist in me come out regardless of anything else. Yeah. I actually had quite quite a long journey and difficult journey, finding the right counselor therapist and finding the right treatment. I think part of my issue is when I was introduced into different therapies, when I was young, I was about 13. So it was never under my control.
It was teachers or parents or whoever, saying, well, you got to go here, and you got to do this. And there's something wrong with you. So you should go talk to this person. So I went through a series pretty much every scale of psychologists, psychiatrists, Counselor, Child, Youth, I've talked to them, as well as depending on what counselor I was talking to you I got different diagnosis, I was diagnosed with PTSD, bipolar disorder, clinical depression, all of which, in turn turned out that, you know, those were misdiagnosis.
And through that I was put on different anti psychotics, and antidepressants before the age of 18. Which, in in retrospect, they're still unsure on exactly what that actually did to my brain being put on those types of things at such a young age. So, for me, it wasn't actually until I became a adult, in the system that I woke up and I got myself help.
Instead of being sent somewhere saying, you know, go go do this, I woke up one day, and I said, This isn't right, I'm gonna go help myself now. And I ended up actually taking myself off of all of the medications. And then through that, I actually came through for the first time instead of kind of being dope down or already having this pre existing labels.
So it was when I was put in a group therapy session of clinical depresses that the the leader of the group, kinda at one point was like, you're not like the others, you're like, I don't want to see you don't belong here, because I think you need some help. But like, you're, again, you're kind of doing this instead of this.
It wasn't until I was physically put in a room and directly compared to other mental disorders that they could kind of pick out and say, yeah, you follow some of these symptoms, but you're, you're off the map and all of these areas. And so it was Yeah, kind of when I became adult, an adult and I took charge of of my own therapy, that that was the difference for me.
I use mindfulness skills to address my symptoms of borderline personality disorder, when I start to I call it slip, slip on slide is kind of what I refer to it as, and I don't expect myself to be again, like I said, before, you know, happy and perfect all the time.
But when I feel that start to slip, I can catch myself and I'm very mindful of I can stop and I ground myself again, in reality, and I say, okay, you know, this is going negatively toward it for me in my head, but what's really happening and I actually I'll ground myself in in physical things, and I start to kind of look around the room and I have massive bookshelf and I'll just start reading the titles of the books in my room, and then I you know, I kind of go around my room and I always have lots of visuals around me.
So then no matter What's happening I ground myself back in reality by saying like, okay, like, you know, you're losing your train of thought, let's make sure we know where our physical surroundings are.
And I kind of lose myself in going through the titles and then I really okay, we're back in my room, I'm back to reality I'm, I'm back to normal. And now I can complete that homework task that I was about totally, you know, not be okay with and it was going to be a de emotional event, but I was able to step back and ground myself back in reality just by listing off the physical things in front of me, and then that task doesn't seem so daunting anymore. It can be easy to tap into mindfulness, when, when you make sure it's kind of part part of your routine.
I always keep a coloring book on me. And colorings become kind of this new thing. And I know that, you know, I had, it's funny how many people bought me coloring books for Christmas this year. But it is it is helpful.
And I find you need to find that thing like like dishes, or folding laundry, or Yeah, taking a walk, even cutting the cat like taking them brushing the cat, just that motion and movement of those small tasks. And going back to dishes before just just actually stressed me out, there'll be a pile of dishes and now it's like, okay, like one dish to dish.
And you know, I think about like Mr. Miyagi from the karate kid like for wax on wax off. But it really does kind of get you there. And once you start using those simple tasks that again, used to be the subject of stressors for me, and you turn them in to kind of your meditation, it's amazing how much smoother your day can go. Because instead of me stressing out about oh, I have to do the dishes. It's like, Okay, I'm gonna zone out and do some dishes now. And it almost becomes an enjoyable task. So you lower your stress and your anxiety a lot, if you can really be mindful in those just day to day tasks makes them enjoyable.
If you had come to me, and asked 10 years ago, do you think you can lead a happy life? I would have probably laughed and said, impossible. There's no way there's no hope. For someone like me. I've tried everything.
And I really thought that I had tried everything. And I felt defeated. I felt like, another day wasn't worth it. And I didn't know what it was in my brain. And thank goodness, I woke up one day, and I realized this was no way to live. This wasn't the way to have a life. And I couldn't continue living like that. And it was in that moment that I changed my life.
And thankfully, there were the right people there. Finally, when I went and I asked to get help, I actually demanded help. Remember that day in the hospital, they almost sent me home, and I looked at a nurse and said you send me home today, I'm never coming back. And they gave me a bet. And I have been literally a different person.
Since that step was made and looking back on myself 11 years ago. I'm amazed at how far I've come. And I think that if I can do it, and if I was in such a stuck spot.
If I can be here today and healthy and happy, then you can to. If I can do it, then then anybody can do it. And you just need to wake up and want help. And ask for that help. Don't ask for that. Help the man help. Make sure someone listens. Make sure someone hears what you're saying.
Because you have to be your own advocate. And as hard as that is when you don't want to be your own advocate. It could change your life.
