DEARMAN is an interpersonal skill set used when you'd like to ask someone for something in a way that will more likely get them to say yes.
It's based on assertiveness training models and can be extremely effective depending on several factors.
You may find as you listen that assertiveness like this doesn't fit with what you've learned from your family or your culture. That's okay. See if there's anything within this skill that could still work for you.
The term dear man is a way to remember each skill, describe, express, assert, reinforce, stay mindful, appear confident and negotiate.
First, describe the current situation using just the facts. For example, you told me you would do the dishes last night, but this morning when I came downstairs, the dirty dishes were still there. This helps orient the person to exactly what you're reacting to.
You might be tempted to say more like you're always annoying with this stuff. Don't do this.
Keep your described short, concise, and objective in order to grab the person's attention and avoid making them feel defensive.
Next, expressed clearly how you feel or your opinion about the situation. Don't assume the person knows how you feel. For example, I felt disappointed when I saw the dishes weren't done. By sharing your personal reaction, you're helping the person understand why you're making the request. Next, assert your request by clearly asking for what you want. Don't assume the other person knows what you want.
Be clear, concise, and specific. For example, can you please do the dishes now? Or if you know you're not going to get to the dishes? Can you tell me so that I can do them and we can have a clean sink in the morning. Notice how each assert was a question. It's not enough to simply Express I'd like you to do the dishes. It's also not effective to demand do the dishes now, asking an assertive question can be uncomfortable for people at first, and may require a lot of practice.
Finally, reinforce or reward the other person ahead of time by explaining what they could gain by giving you what you want.
At a minimum, this can be expressing appreciation or gratitude, just by saying I'd really appreciate it. Or try being more specific to the situation, or living space would be cleaner, which would make me less stressed. I know I'm a lot easier to live with when I'm not so stressed.
Now the other person might interrupt you argue with you or try to change the subject. This is why it's important to use the skill of staying mindful of your goal in the situation.
If needed, express your opinion or reassert your request again and again. It might feel silly or you might be tempted to change up your script. Instead just repeat in a calm voice. Can you please do the dishes now. Or I would still like you to do the dishes now. If the person responds with their own request becomes mean or tries to divert you don't take the bait. stay on topic and be mindful of your request.
It also helps to appear confident with your voice and body posture. convey that you know what you want and you're deserving of a two while still respecting the other person. Don't whisper stammer or look down. Instead, speak up and stand tall. The skill of called appear confident not be confident for a reason. fake it until you make it.
Finally, negotiate if you need to be willing to give in order to get this may involve reducing your request or offering another solution to the problem.
For example, how about I unload the dishwasher first so you can empty the sink? Another way to negotiate is to turn the tables and as the other person for solutions. What do you think we should do? I would like to clean sink in the morning and you really seem to not want to do the dishes at night. How can we solve this problem?
DEAR MAN can also be used to say no to a request.
Using the same steps say no clearly. If someone asks you to hang out and you wanted to say no, a dear man response could look like this.
Hey, I'm feeling pretty drained and tired. I can't hang out today. I'd be more fun on a different day when I have more energy. Can we hang out one day next week instead? Notice how describe wasn't necessary since the person already knew what you were reacting to. Notice how you asserted clearly I can't hang out today instead of saying something unclear like I don't think I can today or I'm not sure.
DEAR MAN, it's a skill that works best when practiced. Practice writing your dear man out ahead of time and rehearse in front of a mirror or another person.
Describe Express assert, reinforce, stay mindful, appear confident and negotiate when necessary.
