I was really young when I first got the diagnosis, I was 15.
And it was just another night where I ended up in the hospital. There was a psychiatrist, and she told me that you know what? You have borderline.
And I was like, oh, okay, I was, I had no idea what it was, it was really different because it was constantly, I used to hear things like depression or anxiety, but then I've never heard of something as borderline.
Then later, we were talking and she told me what it was. And then I was kind of relieved that there's something out there that fits me. And it's kind of a label, but it was like my label that it was just something that was me. And it's kind of weird, because like, it's a diagnosis, and you shouldn't really, like be that relieved, because people usually, like hear diagnosis. And they're like, oh, like, they're kind of worried.
And they start like figuring out a treatment plan. I was just like, oh, that's me. And I learned about the symptoms and stuff like that. And it was just, it was just great to know that there was something that fits me.
One of my biggest ones is unstable relationships with people. And I've always had unstable relationships with people I'm the closest with like my family, my parents, and some of my closest friends.
I know, with borderline, it sort of comes from a place where you're constantly invalidated. And I would pick up the slightest things from my family. And I'd feel really invalidated. I've always had an invalidating environment ever since I was little. Because my parents, they sent me to boarding school when I didn't want to, and I'd come back and I'd always be like, I don't want to go and they would still send me back.
And now today, when I'm here and I'm around them, even if they just look at me in the wrong way, I would feel very invalidated. And that would sort of lead to impulsivity. An example would be that I was just talking about my day at school and my sister not sort of saying yes, or being like, Oh, that's interesting, that made me feel really validated. And I was really hurt by that. And it kind of wanted, and it kind of made me want to sort of like engage in positive behaviors.
It started with me, at least, it started by self harming. And then at one point, that was sort of not enough. And then during just it went to a place where anything that could harm me, I would just want to do, you wouldn't know if it would be like curling my hair burning myself with the curling iron or even cooking, just putting my hand on the stove. Or if there's bleach, just taking a sip of that.
And I one point, I just couldn't sort of live because anything can hurt you and I would just have to be isolated. The pain is just so overwhelming that you need a way to sort of like do it to yourself. Sometimes, well Personally, I would do it to like, numb any feelings. It was, Well it started out as sort of cutting and doing it because I was just so overwhelmed with the sadness and fear and sometimes the guilt that like I would just want to harm myself but then After that, it was just to numb any emotion.
Even if I was happy, I would just do it because I was just feeling something. And I didn't want to feel that. And I hear people say that, like, they do it for attention. But I think it's just a cry for help. And it's just, it's just a way to cope. It can be like smoking, that people do it to numb the pain. People, like want to harm themselves to numb the pain. And sometimes it's just a cry for help for me, I would just do it so much.
I didn't get any help, I did it on my face, just to ask for help. And I didn't know how to I think the most successful thing about my recovery is that I'm able to maintain relationships.
Before going into treatment, and starting DBT, it was very hard for me to sort of maintain relationships, I, well, I thought that everyone had sort of just given up on me and no one wanted to be around me because I was such a negative person.
Especially with my family, it would sort of be like, I love you, and then I hate you. But then eventually, through DBT and interpersonal effectiveness I was I could sort of hold on to that relationships and start appreciating them more and assertive. Recognizing if I feel invalidated, people didn't sort of intend on invalidating me, and sort of seeing it from their side as well. And not jumping to conclusions, I found was a big part of my recovery. And also just thought I was able to move forward with my life.
When I was in DBT, I was in high school. And with DBT, I was I sort of recognized what I wanted to do with my life and what I wanted to make out of myself.
So first, it was just graduating high school and then sort of going into or starting University and doing my BSW which is really great. And yeah. It's also that like, recognizing that, even if I can't help myself completely, and conservative, help other people, and that would make me feel better about myself, because I'm helping other people. And just creating a difference.
I learned mindfulness through DBT. And every time we would do group, we would start it by mindfulness activities. And those are my favorite parts about DBT. And I incorporate mindfulness in my daily life by just breathing and sort of looking into higher how I breathe, and follow that breath.
And then sometimes even being mindful about what I'm feeling. It helps me feel free, very regulated, and sort of recognizing what I'm feeling. And I even use mindfulness when I do the dishes or clean the house, because I never thought it would be very soothing. Just doing the dishes.
Also, I had a very complicated relationship with food. But through mindfulness, I can sort of love eating again.
I know there are a few myths out there about having borderline, which would be like, oh, they're really crazy. And not a lot of people want to work with you.
But my message of hope to people would just be that you're not crazy. Everything you're feeling is valid. These are just waves of emotions that will eventually end.
And you'll know how to cope with them. I think that was for me that was one of the biggest parts that just knowing that what I'm feeling will always be there and eventually I'll come down just like riding the wave.
