Partially like relationships are really hard for me. Like, I grew up with my mom always saying, like, well, you're so hard to deal with, like, when you grow up, like, you got to be on your own. And like, I always felt that like, stigma that I was hard to deal with, since I was little. And when I become like, when I was 18, and all of that, and I never really had a lot of friends, it was very hard to keep friends, I would always symptom of diabetes, like sabotaging your relationships all the time.
And I would do that without even thinking in and out. Like, if you're, I'm urine to leave me anyways, that was my thinking. So I'm gonna beat you to it and leave you first. I feel like, you know, just, I don't have a lot of close, close friends or even like my family, you know, I don't have relationships. My mom, she doesn't understand what being borderline along with all of my mental illnesses come together. It's just she doesn't get it we come from a background, like mental health is mental health and mental illness are very taboo. So she doesn't understand what I'm going through. And it's very hard for her to understand. And a part of her just doesn't want to admit that her daughter's sick.
I was with a partner for almost five years. And it was very, very hard. I felt like it was very hard to be with me. You know, it's always mood swings all over the place. And I'm happy and I'm sad and now angry and I hate you but don't leave me like is just very, as a lot of drama. And it was just knowing he and understand what mental health was a mental illness. And for me the word acceptance, it's like you're accepting someone like you don't like them, but you have to accept them. It's like tolerating them. Like I feel like a family should love you and should love every piece of you. They don't have to accept you, they just have a love. You know, acceptance is just like, it comes after there's tolerating. And then there's accepting what is there to accepts, I'm your daughter, I'm your friend. I'm your lover. You just got to love who I am. There's nothing to accept. There's nothing wrong with me in the first place.
Back then, it was I felt so empty all the time. And it was so hard to breathe, like breathing, hurt, physically and emotionally. And it was so exhausting. Like getting up in the morning and opening my eyes. And I just be like, I'm alive and it's exhausting, and it hurts. And everywhere I walk in everywhere, everything I do is just meaningless and pointless and like living and being alive, hurt so badly. It just, I hurt and things it all the time. Always they're hurting, like, I can breathe all the time. And, you know, the way I coped was self harm. That was my addiction, you know, I would go into the washroom and self harm, I would use other things until it was just like a pattern that I needed to relieve that pain. It was that's how I quotes and it was just, it was so exhausting. And I would do things and I will do them. Right.
And that's what people never thought that I was sick. Because I do I do my stuff and I do a right and I do a well, you know I was put together I'm always smiling because that's how I cope. I smile and laugh and you know, everyone's like, oh, you're such a happy girl and No, you haven't seen my scars. You haven't seen my arms, my legs? No, you don't. You don't you can't feel that emptiness and that pain all the time that it hurts hurts so badly.
And I though that was only four years ago, four three years ago. That's how I felt. And to me back then I was like, This is BS. Like I was so angry with it. I was like, This is so stupid. Like why do I have to talk about mindfulness because being mindful triggers my my trauma history. So I was already angry about that. And I was like this bullshit and like, I don't like this and I was it was until a couple of years later that like my group of support really pushed he needs to go to DBT like you need to go this is like I've heard like recovery stories from other clients and like you need this. And I was like, Okay, well, if I find someone that's willing to take me because I was borderline and you know, practitioners don't want to deal with people who are borderline, they hear, I'll be in the waitlist, and then they hear Oh, you're borderline. We don't deal with that. And I'll be like, Well, what do you mean? Like? So I was like, if you can find somebody that can deal with someone who's borderline, then you know what, I'll do it.
And I was lucky enough to find my therapist. And we did treatment. I've been doing DBT for a year now.
And at first, I was like, This is so stupid, like, What do you mean, like distracting myself and emotional regulation? And no, I felt like I was being labeled this borderline. And like, I felt like, people didn't see me anymore and see Maria, they saw someone who was borderline. And I was getting angry at that. And we moved, like, through the pillars of DBT. And there was like, the distraction piece and emotional regulation, and all of that, you know, after I started going through, and now I'm halfway through it, you know, it's actually, I don't think about it anymore.
I don't think about when I'm doing it. Like, I think I'm never I never do it. But when I go back to my therapist, it's just like, she told me how's your week? And I'll tell her this happened. This happened. She's like, how do you deal with it? And I was like, I know, I watched The Lord of the Rings. And she's like, do you know that you're, that's distraction?
Or do you know that you're being mindful? Or do you know, that you're using wise mind? knows, I really, like I use, I use, like forging skills from DBT. And I never thought I was using it. That day, I was so happy. I was like, Nah, like, I'm doing I'm not even thinking about it, I thought that this was kind of like homework, or like, this was going to be like, so hard, but I was doing it in my daily life.
And you know, what, I get anxious, you know, I have like, a box of, it's like my Mental Health First Aid box. And I have all the things I have like teas and bears that make me happy and movies, and I use that toolbox. As like, I'm writing the way to borderline, I get anxious, I'll go check on my list, oh, I'll take a shower, or watch the Lord of the Rings. Or I'll just chill and be mindful or feel my emotions, you know, just sit there and be like, I am feeling a bit anxious.
Why, let's feel that acknowledging my emotions was a huge deal of my recovery. Because I used to just be numb and never feel them. And I'll be like, I want to feel them. They're so strong. But now I just sit there and I'm like, Oh, I'm feeling very anxious, or I'm really sad, you know, let's just feel that. Let me feel those emotions and acknowledge them and validate to myself that I am feeling this way. And it's okay to feel this way.
And now I'm actually starting interpersonal skills and how to deal with other people and how to make friends and how to be in situations where I sabotage relationships and all that I'm actually so excited to start doing that, and maybe build some friends build some relationships, there's hope I was doing DBT. And I thought it was BS.
But now I'm like, it's changed my life in a way that I haven't even I never thought I was doing it. But like, I see all my progress. And I'm like, Oh, my God, like, this is amazing. So it's, it's been great. And I'm really excited to see how this journey goes and how I turn out. No, all people will see that I have scars on my hands, and I must be crazy. Or psycho or this and that. And no, I'm just me. You know, I love pandas. And I love soccer and gymnastics.
And, you know, I'm a regular person, you know, I can just chill and watch movies. And, um, you know, I'm normal. You know, I'm Maria. And I wish people would see that, but I'm not my labels. I'm not. I'm not my past. I am my future. And I am going to be the greatest person that I can be for others who don't have to go through all the crap I went through, you know, I want to build a pathway that people don't suffer. Like I did know, people don't have to advocate for themselves when they're 12 years old, and they have nobody, you know, I want to be that person who helps them. So, yeah, um, me.
The most successful thing about my recovery is me The most successful thing about my recovery, I did this, you know, yes, I got help from my, my, my psychiatrist and my doctors and all this. But they couldn't have done what I did. You know, I went through so much crap, and so much trauma and so much stigma. And, you know, the world hated me for who I was, and who had to deal with it. It was me, who had the choice to recover. It was me. I'm take my own life. I chose to live and be successful and advocate for others and live and be happy and have a life of success and love. I chose that nobody else. It's me. I'm alive. I'm here and I'm recovering.
I'm trying so hard to be the best person I can be. So even though Yes, I've overcome so many things, and you know, so much things that have happened. I'm so here, and I'm the most successful thing that's ever happened in my recovery.
